Wow - here we are!!

Crikey - its been a while but here I am! The last month has been extremely interesting! I have been made redundant from the place i was working at - that on its on caused a bit of grief as one can imagine. You know... the ol' I am useless thats why they are getting rid of me, I am not a good worker, Did I do something wrong? Certainly knocks your confidence, I just really don;t think that IC Frith "got" me. No, thats not true - IC Frith used to get me, and then something happened .... and the culture of that place was flipped upside down and it became all about who could tell on who the fastest ... ya know - i mean who needs to work in an environment like that!

I tried a couple of time to leave ... even made it to a second interview, but working there had knocked my confidence so much that I found myself making a call to the company and telling them i couldn;t work there anymore. Granted I was going through a medication drop at the time, as well as having a minor surgery ... maybe it was just all too much.?!?!?! I began to hide stuff from Marty again, stopped telling him how I was feeling and how low i really was, I became anxious about being in social settings again, all of which just makes you more anxious becuase you believe you are spiralling out of control again! Ya know. You think that you are failing AGAIN. I found myself back at the Dr's office in tears and needing more medication.... but thats ok - I guess I needed it.

Leaving IC Frith (tho be it not on my terms) has really been a blessing in disguise, and I've had some wonderful people supporting me along the way (you know who you are) and helping me through the rough patch. It was hard to start with, I became paranoid and I thought that people were following me, and listening to my phone calls and wondering why I wasn't at work ... and looking at me thinking - Holy shit she's fat! So that was a tough one, i really did believe at that point i was going insane and that scared the shit outta me. I spoke to my wonderful counsellor who assured me that it was more just a post traumatic thing and it would pass ... which helped ... knowing i wasn;t going insane.

I am still working on my feelings of self-worth etc. But I truely in my heart of hearts, believe that this was all meant to happen for a reason. The universe could see that i couldn;t get myself out of that place, so they helped me along the way. The same reason i believe i don;t have a job yet - because i was meant to have some time out and just chill and enjoying my life, my famiy and even me! Yup - I never thought i would enjoy just being me! Its a great feeling I tell ya!

I have an interview on Friday which i am nervous about, but believe I can do it - so fingers crossed this is my calling. A company that appreciates me for who I am and what I am. I guess we will see.

Enough blabbing for now - I really should hang my washing out :)

I can;t do this

I don;t feel like i can do anything at the moment - everything is too hard, and i seem to do nothing but cry.

Holly has been really sick lately, we were at the Dr's 4 times in 4 days - with no answers, and in turn no sleep becuase she is in pain, and coughing, and her nose is all blocked ... i hate seeing her like this. I honestly don;t believe i have ever seen her this sick before, she was just lying on the couch .. all lethargic and looking so awful. It totally breaks your heart. I think she may be doing a little better today - she ate yesterday for the first time in a few days, which is a good start, maybe she can go back to school tomorrow? Which brings me to my next point ...

Can i afford to send her to school tomorrow? Our eftpos card declined $11.50 this weekend just gone ... all the Dr's bills, counselling bills, medication bills and car bills have added up and suddenly we are out of money - so we've had to askt he bank to extend our visa to $1500 - cool. more debt. Then to top ot off even more - the "wonderful" company that i work for have declined to transfer my sick leave over to annual (i have been off with holly for a day and a half) and now i will be $177 short this pay - cool - Holly's daycare bill is more than that for gods sake. How the hell are we meant to cope? Marty's rego is due, my warrant is due, I still haven;t paid Hollys St johns bill from February! What are we supposed to do? Sell the house? Sell the car - i don;t know!

I can;t stop crying - maybe i am not coping on the half meds - maybe i should go back to Chris and arrange to go back on full meds..... maybe then i can leave everyone else alone too....

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Am having a shit time of it at the moment and i am not sure i should blame my medication drop or the lack of sleep.

I had an awful day last Thursday - woke up in a foul mood and everyone copped it - i yelled at my children and spent close to 70% of my day in tears ... it was awful. Friday seemed to go a lot smoother - which was nice.

Today on the other hand, I am again in a foul mood, tho again - another shit start to the day. I dreamnt that Kyra was killed in a car accident and that was just awful, i felt sick to the stomach when i woke up .... next problem being that i woke up at 7.11 am - which is almost the time we leave everyday - so Marty and I ran around getting everyone ready to leave ... then i got to school to give my kids breakfast and there was no fk'n milk - so my kids were hungry and upset when i left - makes me feel just fk'n awesome ...whilst at school i felt my nose dribbling so went to wipe it and it was blood - NICE a blood nose! This followed me feeling ill most of yesterday afternoon, headachy, dizzy and sick in teh stomach, which eventually ended with my thropwing up .... back to this morning ... I am just so so tired. And i am sick of the shit that goes on around this office ..... example .. my direct reporting manager ... has decided to work from home today ... nice to have the choice - oh but hang on a minute - who gave her that choice? Why does no one else have that choice? bE NICE TO DO WHAT YOU like when you like huh. I have had a guts full of this place and all the people in it. I re-phrase ... most of the people in it. i am sick of the people who love to be nice to your face .. and behind your back ... are busy telling on you to make themselves look better. Some of them have surprised me, I am slowly learning that it is just much easier to keep to yourself!
There are only 2 people in this office that i can trust .... and I hope they know who they are - I am pretty sure they do ...
Maybe i am blowing all of this out of proportion, but i am sick of the back srtabbing, two faced, power tripping bitchs that call themselves "friends" or "friends" when they chose to be - karma is a bitch - it really is ... and i hope it comes back to bite those concerned.

I am angry today - i really am - I have nothing to control it - i can;t reason with myself about anything except wanting to be somewhere that no one else is ... somewhere i can be alone with my thoughts and nothing to fuel the thoughts. I don;t know what to do ... i can;t go home "i don;t have that choice" i don;t have the leave or the free time at work - GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

oops its been a while

here we are - a few months down the track - i am still at IC Frith but in the claims department.

Life is prettyg ood really. We've had a very hard couple of months as far as our health goes ... all sorts of bugs and illness' have hit the house of Steno. Nevertheless - we are on the mend.

i am the biggest i have ever ever been in my life - but am very very happy. The dr has said my meds can be cut in half, which will in turn help with my weight gain as well as teh fact that i am doing so well at the moment - which is great news.

Dr is sending me off to a specialist for my "lady bits" i suffer terribly from heavy heavy periods, and he has agreed that i can't be on this high dose pill for the rest of my life, so they are seeing about the possiblility of a mirena insertion or perhaps a hysterectomy - watch this space!!! Either way, i am sure that i will wind up much happier with that sorted!!

I've done 2 things that scare me in the last week! i got a pedicure - those who know me, know that the thought of haviong my feet touched scares the living daylights outta me - but ... i did it!! yay me - i also faced fact that i couldn;t leave it any longer and i had a smear test. THAT was hard ... something i have been putting off your almost 10 years now ... but i am proud of myself for doing it!!

Kids are doing wonderfully - my beatiful babies!!!!!!
Marty is fabulous - as always - i am so so lucky to have that man in my life - *sssiiiiigfggghhh*
Not a lot more to report - until next time

Mandz

07/07/08

Its 3 years today since our Shelley was taken away from everyone who loves her! 3 years, wow - thats gone so fast, sometimes the hurt only feels like it was yesterday that she was taken - other days ... you bear the thought that she's never coming back - you have to!

The candle will be lit tonight as we think about Shelley - and be thankful that she did get 27 years here ... and not less. We will try not to feel anger at those who took her - and hurt all the people that loved her. We will feel sadness for Shelleys Mums, Dad and brothers left behind, dealing everyday without her in their lives. We will remember the good times, the laughs, the cries - the times we were just plain nuts .... :)

I hope wherever you are Shelley - that you are happy .....

Miss you
The Stenos

I did it

I have quit my job - and you know what - I DID IT FOR MYSELF and for that i am very very proud.

For the first time in my life i have done something for myself. Granted its kinda had something to do witht eh way i had been with my children and Marty ... but mostly this was for me!! I've had enough, so i am moving on. Time for a change... too much going on. I have been hurt by people i didn;t think would hurt me, but this is all a lesson in life, and a lesson to not be so trusting.

I have been 'mostly' honest with those concerned around me that i work with, there is 1 or 2 i am yet to tackle to chat to, i guess we'll see! Sometimes, its not worth it, and i think this might be one of those times where it is just easier to keep your mouth closed and let them be.

My Holly started in Toddlers at school today ... getting so big. It was heart breaking leaving her today, but i know that she will have a great day and will continue to have more great days - just so hard listening to your baby yelling for you ... "mummy, Mummy, Mummy" as you walk out of the room! :(:(

Kyra is doing well - they are both growing so so much. Kyra is such a big girl now ... very sure of herself most of the time. She is looking very grown up at is very "girlie". And says the most beautiful things at times ... like "Mummy you look beautful today" just feel good stuff. Totally unpromted - and most people find her a joy.

Me - i am still in counselling - still doing much better, still on my reduced meds... so fingers crossed with this change of job, everything else, including my health will start to come right. Health is still a little on the shaky side, but with a lot less stress in my life (hopefully) that will improve.

Marty - well i think with me starting to get better, that will help. I can;t imagine its that easy putting up with someone like me all the time - and i know he loves me unconditionally ... just feel a little bad for what he does put up with sometimes!! I love that man to pieces ... and i always will. i thank the universe everyday that i have him in my life - i really do!!

Weight loss - well thats a non issue at the moment - i gaining weight like nobody's business, but i am "semi" ok with it i know i need to make some better decisions when it comes to my eating and my lifestyle, and they will come, maybe for now i will start with curbing what i eat - how does that sound.....

Right - after that much waffling, i best get on with it...

Much love for now
Mandz

Wow - how freaky can ya get

What a week - had a really rough one on Wednesday night/Thursday morning - Holly had been feeling a little bit coldy and was coughing a teeny bit, we had arranged for my darling mohter in law (MIL) to take her on the Thursday so that she could go to the Dr etc. 12.07am arrives, i wake to teh sounds of Holly gagging, followed by throwing up. SO i got up to her and she was burning up, she was really hot. So we stripped her down and got some pamol and some water into her, meantime i took her temp, it was sitting at 38.6 - a little too high for my liking. So once settled we left her to it. 40 mins later, more gagging followed by vomit, she was throwing up phlegm that she had been swallowing throughout the night. Took her temp again, down to 38.1. After a while i decided that i would take her downstairs, 1. so that Marty could get some more sleep 2. so we didn;t wake Kyra and 3. so that i could keep an eye on Holly. By this time it was around 2.15am. Temp was still lingering around 38.1 and she was quite unsettled. She threw up some more phlegm and was really quite upset after it that time. About 3 mins after that, i noticed her pupils were enlarged and she wasn;t really looking "at" me, when i started to call her name, she wasn;t responding, then her breathing went all funny - very very shallow, almost non existant. I yelled for Martin, once, twice, no response, he must have been in a deep sleep. So i ran up the stairs and into our bedroom yelling at Marty that holly wasn;t breathing properly and to turn the light on. She was still almost not breathing. We agreed it was time to call an ambulance. Holly was getting worse, she started to go a grey, ash colour and wasn't responding to me at all, even tho her eyes were open. Her lips started to turn blue and she was going all limp. Marty was on the phone to the operator at this point - i felt as tho i was yelling out loud, turns out it was all internal yelling - i wanted someone to make my baby better, i didn;t want her to die, and while that thought only crossed my mind for a moment, it still crossed my mind, bloody scary!! Martin ran downstairs to wait for the ambulance, i started to lose it i don;t know what it was i was feeling but i started to cry aout loud .... i knew i had to keep myself together incase it happened again, her brathing started to come right, still very very very shallow but it was more breath than she had taken in the last minute and a half. Very very slowly, the colour started to return to her face, very very blotchy circles of pale, then light pink. She seemed very very confused and a little scared. She lay down on my shoulder and went to sleep, breathing still shallow, but 10x better than it had been. I was still trying to stay calm at this point, the ambulance was on its way ... it felt like an eternity before the ambulance arrived. Onc ei saw its red lights appear in the very otherwsie still, dark night - i melted down again, i knew help was here and that she was going to be ok.

We explained to the paramedics what had happened and they were brilliant, it was great, they were very calming. Holly's temperature was on its way back up - sitting back at 38.9 when taken by them. After much humming and harring, we decided that it would be better if they took me and Holly to starship, just to be sure that everything was ok. I left Marty and Kyra here - not knowing much - this part is all a little blank, tho i have to say i was aware enough to make sure that i put alittle water into my hair, so as not to look to freaky *smiles*

We hopped into the ambulance and headed on our way to Starship, the paramedic being very reassuring the whole way. Holly's oxygen saturation was down to 92% in the ambo so they decided to give her some oxygen ...

We were kept at starship until 7.30 that morning where thru the course of the night, holly was monitored, poked and proded, she woke up in teh most fantastic mood it was great. We learnt that she'd had a febrile convulsion due to teh speed that her temp shot back up. Her heart rate wouldn;t come down which is the only thing they were worried about.... once this happened she was given a clean slate of health to go home with.

So farm this is one of the scariest things i have had to deal with as a mother, somehitn gi hope i never have to deal with again. I have been having flash backs of bits and pieces of it lately, and thats not the best feeling in the world, but i am sure we'll work thru it.

Love you Marty, Kyra and Holly - with all my heart!!!